We received a letter in the mail last week. Letters are the best thing ever. Heidi is able to express so much more than in her weekly emails...
Dear Mom and
Dad ( and rest of family :D )
Today has
been a very long and exhausting day, but I just got home and I had three
letters to read- one from each of you, and one from Grandma Burton. Dad, I have
got to tell you, that when I read your letters and read about how you’re doing
family history it just touches me. I have been in Germany for such a long time
now, and it helps me to feel such a connection to our ancestors. You mentioned
some people from Bielefeld…I know that place! Halle...I know that place too! I
haven’t been to either place but I just hear stories from there and hear about
the work there. It is so cool being here knowing that some of our own
ancestors lived here.
Yesterday we
went to a student apartment building “studentenwohnheim” and we brought several
Books of Mormon in various languages to give to people we had met previously.
Unfortunately none of the people were home, but we met a man from Syria who was
about 26 years old. He ended up inviting us to eat some Arabic food with him in
the kitchen there, so we found ourselves eating our first Authentic Arabic meal
and I happened to have a Book of Mormon in Arabic with me so we were able to
talk more about that. He’s Muslim. We’re Mormon, but the gospel of Jesus Christ
brought us together. His family escaped from Syria about a year and a half ago
and are living out on the land somewhere, but he doesn’t really keep on contact
with them. It made me so sad to think about how real war is, how terrible it
affects lives, and how unfair things are. We are so lucky to have such security
and such happiness back home. My eyes have been so opened to some of the
problems of the world here, and it just makes me want to learn more and
actually help these people in some way.
As I wrote
home in my email this week, we have been doing a lot of work at this
Auslanderheim in our area. There are people from everywhere! Everybody is just
so friendly and so humble, and they are such a joy to be around. Sister Hansen
and I were just talking about how interesting it is that so many of the people
look a bit rugged on the outside, but with character.
They have great
values, show respect, and really are great people. This community of people
living so close together… they have trust among one another. I like that about
Auslanders (foreigners)…they take you in like family from the first time they
meet you, they show hospitality and genuine kindness, and they are just REAL.
It’s really refreshing and quite a strong contrast against the typical German culture.
The work
here is going really well though. We are meeting with so many people each week
and people are really progressing. It’s incredible! Even after seeing so much
success though, it is easy to feel discouraged at times and just take a hard
fall down. The last few days we have seen so many miracles and I have been so
happy, but at the same time I have had a hollow, empty feeling inside me that I
can’t really explain. I feel like I’m losing myself in this work, which I know
is a good thing, but at the same time is scares me a little bit and makes me a
little bit sad. Sometimes I feel like I just miss being ME. Today we came home
from district meeting and we had a little bit of study time. I talked to Sister
Hansen a little bit about how I have been feeling. It really helps me sometimes
to just talk about how I’m feeling. Sometimes I just get worked up and stressed
about things that I just get the worst headaches, and sometimes they last for a
few days at a time. I took a minute to just lie on the floor and stretch and breathe
for a minute and we listened to a song before heading out the door for an
appointment.
The song is
about a missionary and he sings about” The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Being a missionary is such a wonderful, incredible, and life changing
experience, but really it is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The song
starts as the man recalls his farewell to his family. At that point I just lost it and the tears
just welled up in my eyes. It goes on to when he meets his trainer, bears his
testimony for the first time, gets to experience rejection, on an on…I just
laid there with tears in my eyes remembering my own farewell almost 9 months.
Standing at the temple grounds in Provo taking pictures, going to the MTC and
being mauled by hugs from everyone as I got out of the van. I remember my first
day in Berlin and how hot it was and how excited I I was to be here. And now
here I am exactly in the same place. I remember meeting my trainer Sister Nilson
for the first time. It was so horrifying for me to realize that we were really
just going out and doing and we both didn’t really know exactly how or what . I
remember when German was gibberish, when I would get lost everywhere, when I
would just feel like giving up because it was so hard. It is the most incredible experience starting
out at such a point and then growing each day as I learn bit by bit. Schritt
für schritt.
Last week
there was a new sister who arrived in the mission and Sister Hansen and I got
to take her out finding on her first day, and then she spent the night with us.
While we were at the church we also pulled her into a classroom and we did a
practice teaching situation. She and I acted as missionaries and Sister Hansen
acted as our “investigator”. This new sister was just so sweet, and was so easy
to just relate to her myself and relate to her feelings. She’s got such a
journey ahead of her, something she could never have imagined. It will be hard, but it will be worth it. That’s what I would really
tell to anyone who is thinking about serving a mission.
Being a
missionary myself makes me appreciate missionary work so much more. To be
“behind the scenes” in a way you can see how hard it is, how much it has to do
with sacrifice. Tears have become more familiar to me. I’m learning to feel
more. Even for others here- tears are shed often out of joy and out of sadness.
I mentioned
earlier in an email about an experience I had fasting which I wanted to share
with you. On February 11 I had an incredible personal study time. I read one of your letters Mom, and in it you
focused so much on Christ like attributes. “ I love my Mommy” I wrote. As I
continued studying more and praying throughout my study, I found myself writing
this simple sentence: “I want to become more like Christ.”
(Excerpt
from my journal entry that day) “But there is nothing I could say to explain
the strength of emotions that came with that simple sentence. I just want to
BECOME. More than anything. My mom’s testimony and experiences just touched me
so much. She has changed so much in the past several months and I find myself
thinking, I want to be changed in the
same way. I just don’t want to be distracted here. I just want to serve with all
my heart,might , mind and strength. I want to be changed. I want to become. But
it comes after choices I make…
I went into
the bedroom during lunch and I think I prayed for 45 minutes. I just started
bawling. I cried unto God. I thanked him so much. I thanked him specifically
for His Son Jesus Christ. I prayed for everybody that I need to pray for.
People in Langenhorn, people back home, people here in Lankwitz. I had so much
to be grateful for but so much I wanted to plead to the Father about. It has
been eating away at me that I feel like I don’t pray as sincerely as I should.
I feel like I haven’t poured out my heart in prayer for the people who need my
prayers. And then there is my family back home. They pray for my investigators
everyday by name. They pray for me. So often I feel like my prayers are not a
reflection of what is in my heart…because I am usually just so exhausted and
perhaps it is laziness and selfishness that afflict me. But again I am done with mediocrity. I am
done trying and giving up. I will use my faith and I will do what is expected
of me. I felt like I should fast, really and sincerely. So I fasted and I began
by speaking my prayer.
I fasted the
whole day and it wasn’t even hard because I was fasting with a special purpose.
And honestly I was fasting because I “wanted” to…with faith and love in my
heart. “
This
experience with prayer and fasting is now very meaningful to me. I am so
grateful for prayer and also for fasting. It can be so hard at times to
sincerely pray and fast, but if we can overcome our personal selfishness and
complaints they can be so powerful. I can’t take prayers for granted.
J*** has
developed the sweetest relationship with God and the most sincere faith. He is
praying and studying the scriptures everyday- something he has never done
earlier in life. Faith in God and Jesus
Christ is new for him. But wow, I have never seen such a difference in
somebody’s life. He is so happy and just has a glow about him. You don’t
realize how precious gospel knowledge is unless you had to live and survive
without it. We are working to help J*** to be baptized in March- hopefully on the 15th. He has some concerns we’re trying to help him
work through, but I believe he’ll make the right decision. He has such a strong
testimony. If I am here to see his baptism I know I will cry.
So...something
I want to say is that sometimes I feel bad for writing home so often about my
struggles out here in the field. Sometimes I just feel so weak and a little
embarrassed. I just want to be honest though and I really want to share my
experiences here. This mission has changed me and it is a result of the
experiences – both good and bad, easy and hard. But it’s not so much that the
mission has just changed me. I’ve allowed myself to be changed. That’s
something I’ve come to realize is that we can experience something but we
choose how the experience will affect us. Just like Nephi and his brothers
Laman and Lemuel. They experienced so many similar things but look at how Nephi
was changed as compared to his brothers.
I see
challenges as blessings. Mom you just sent me a handout on “Adversity” from
your Sunday lesson. I have only read the first page , but I thank you so much
for that. I have truly learned the
essentialness of adversity. God chastens us because he loves us.
Thank you
also so MUCH for the package you sent in the mail. I got it this week. I
appreciate the love and support you send from home. You are all amazing and I
draw upon your strength when I feel weak and need encouragement.
Also, a
special thanks for the French learning materials. I have started going through
the French missionary book the last couple days and my French is coming back so
quickly and things actually make more sense now than they did before. I don’t
know how or why but I have developed such a photographic memory on my mission
and I just pick things up so quickly and remember them so easily. And I have
been so blessed with learning the language here. And now that I am beginning to
study the French language again I already feel that I am being blessed as I
learn for the purpose of sharing the gospel.
I really do
know that we are members of Jesus Christ’s church here on earth. I know that
God lives. He loves us. It is really up to us to share the gospel with the
world. We have a great responsibility. I love you so much. I hope you are doing
well.
Love.
Heidi
ICH
LIEBE EUCH!!
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